Saturday, May 22, 2010

Scared to death & frustrated too...

It seemed like forever sitting in that waiting room and it's interesting the range of emotions you run. Looking back I wish I had advocated to be in the trauma room while they were working on Sevanna becuz I would have felt less helpless and empty. If it had gone the other way and they weren't able to save her, at least I would have been by her side. I am SOOO thankful it didn't go the other way becuz the pain of not being in there would have been too much for me to take.

Mike went from nervous to a full out wreck initially in the waiting room, he kept rocking saying 'she was black' over and over. I had never seen him that distraught. I wierdly had found some inner peace after my initial panic and was just queitly praying within myself when the Spritual counsellor arrived to speak with us. His stay was breif when he started speaking like Sevanna wasnt going to make it and Mike & I decided that we wanted to be alone. Social work also came down and while the lady was very nice, again in a situation like the one we were facing no words were going to comfort me save for the Dr coming out to say my baby was ok.

A very agonizing almost 3 hrs later the Dr appeared and told us she was in critical condition but that she was alive & as stable as possible. At that moment I felt like I myself had been reborn. I took in a breath that felt like my first breath ever and I saw a light brightly lit in the late night sky. I fell on my knees thanking God and trembling & rocking just sat there crying on the ground. Mike gently helped me up and they led us to the ICU room where Sevanna was.

It seemed just like when she was born, covered in wires, intubated, not moving but I was thankful for one thing ~ hearing a steady heartbeat and watching her chest rise & fall. Dr's & nurses were trying to talk to us but I could only focus on her sweet lil face and long to hold her. We kept a bedside vigil until Dr Harder came in the next morning to outline her plan for Sevanna. One thing was clear, Sevanna would now have to endure a barage of testing to figure out the answer as to why she coded blue.

After EKG's, Echo's, Ultrasounds,X-rays, A Cardiac Catheter, Catscans, MRI's and even a Broncoscopy, no one had the answer we were all seeking. Sevanna was doing well enough to be moved up to Unit 2 (the unit that deals with Cardiac issues amongst other issues) a few day later and we were happy to see her be extubated and getting back to herself. One week after her initial coding blue we were sleeping at home when the phone rung at midnite and it was the hospital. My heart was in my throat and I choked back tears as it was Dr Harder saying Sevanna had coded blue again on ward and was back in ICU. She said for us to rest that Sevanna was stable but you cant expect to get a call like that and think sleep is anywhere in your near future. Again i felt the twinge of failure for not being with Sevanna when that happened, but have to reassure myself even to this day that we had no way of knowing it would happen again.

Dr Harder & Dr Dickie met us in ICU late that morning and thats when she said something I never expected to hear a doctor say. She grabbed my arm with Dr. Dickie by her side and said "Ricki, Sevanna scares us. She is the 1 in a million baby we have never seen before and we dont have the answers we need in order to make a plan for her" Not what any parent wants to hear Im sure, but I do appreciate Joyce being honest with me. I asked what the plan was and all they could say was besides running the same battery of tests over again, to just keep her stable with medication and hope to extubate soon.

I spent most of my time at the hospital knowing that it would be a while before they would move Sevanna up to ward, and even though we lived not far away they were nice enough to give me a room in the family center so I could be there all the time. One night I was sleeping when I woke up with my heart racing, without knowing why I threw on my slippers and ran down to Sevanna's ICU room feeling panicked. I got there just in time to see her choking to death on her own vomit. I freaked right out screaming for help and when the nurse that had been on duty for her came in I shoved him and said I dont fucking think so buddy.

He had been busy sitting on his fat ass packing back smarties talking to the nurse next to him not paying one bit of attention to Sevanna. When they had stabilized her, the nurse who had been standing there with his mouth open stepped up to apologize and all I could do was glare at him and tell him that he could kiss his job goodbye, I'd make sure of it. If he had payed attention to his notes about Sevanna he would have known that she throws up her feeds constantly and that positioning her flat on her back ESPECIALLY while intubated was out of the question as it was the easiest way for her to asphixiate (choke to death). I had never been so mad in all my life and it took me quite awhile to stop shaking & calm down. I called Mike and we decided that he not come in that day becuz he wouldnt have held his temper and it was only one persons neglegience that was in question. HOWEVER having that happen did make us weary and suspicious and I suspect I started questioning the nurses a lil more than was needed, but then again if its my child going through all of this shouldnt I question as much as I want??

It took almost a month but Sevanna was moved back up to Unit 2 and starting to look really good, chubby with serious eyes she also asked who was looking after her questions of her own. She wasnt quick to trust and not happy when anyone wanted to pick her up even if it was to cuddle. I found this hard because I love to cuddle and Teigan was a happy, easygoing baby who loved to be held. Given all Sevanna had been through I understood her reservations becuz everytime nurses or Dr's came in to poke & prod at her I felt like saying "back off and just leave her alone" quite often. They still had no answers to her coding blue twice and were in the planning stages for her trip to Edmonton to have her Glenn repair done. I took things day by day, just happy when Id see Sevanna smile and respond positively to being held & talked to by me and the rest of our family. I did not want to think about the surgery quickly coming up and I gave thanks for everyday that Sevanna would open up her big blue eyes to me saying "good morning angel baby bear"

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